Two of my musician friends in Philly offered this song they just wrote:
Chuck Treece & El Feco -- "At Your Service"
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I never expected it to (sort of) end this way...
April 29, 2008
The past twelve days have been beyond belief. My parents and I arrived back in Chapel Hill just after 1am this morning.
Dan's Subaru either needs new head gaskets (which means rebuilding the existing engine) or an entirely new engine. We await word from Independence, Missouri...
Overall, our journey back east has been emotional, healing and surreal. Now I'm in a sort of shock that everything has changed in my family, yet the world looks eerily the same as it did just two weeks ago, before Dan died.
The past twelve days have been beyond belief. My parents and I arrived back in Chapel Hill just after 1am this morning.
Dan's Subaru either needs new head gaskets (which means rebuilding the existing engine) or an entirely new engine. We await word from Independence, Missouri...
Overall, our journey back east has been emotional, healing and surreal. Now I'm in a sort of shock that everything has changed in my family, yet the world looks eerily the same as it did just two weeks ago, before Dan died.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Broke Down in Kansas City -- An American Saga
April 27, 2008
A bit of a whirlwind today...
[An aside]: Actually we passed through another windstorm yesterday as we crossed the wastelands of Eastern Colorado.
Thousands of scrub brush flew by in the windstorm
The wind was so wild I thought we'd fly off the road. At a gas station, we came across the Center for Severe Weather Research mobile command vehicles in the parking lot of a Holiday inn:
Built tough
Cool logo
Surreal moment
So today...leaving Kansas City a few hours late as Dayna was feeling ill, Dan's car broke down. Facing the prospect of being stranded for an indefinite period instead of visited our loved ones in Carbondale, IL (James Wood, one of Dan's college roomates) and in Indianapolis, IN (Donald and Sandy Rothbaum, Dayna's first cousins), I was pretty despondent.
Luckily my mom and dad were really supportive and pretty much laughed it off when we got stuck in the middle of the I-70 off ramp at the exit of the service station we had just sat at for four hours waiting for them to correct an overheating engine. Their initial attempt involving replacing the thermostat and flushing the radiator did not solve the problem. Apparently, the engine head is cracked. It could be up to a week before the car may be repaired.
Now I'm sharing a drink with my parents of diet Coke and Jack Daniels at the seedy Residency Inn & Suites motel off the Noland Avenue exit in Independence, Missouri. We are booked on the 4pm flight tomorrow back to Chapel Hill and just have to figure out how to get to the KC airport from this strange waystation on the American prairie (MANY THANKS OLIVIA!). Billy is going to come meet us tomorrow night and Alison has offered to get the car and drive it back to Asheville. I'll be back to Asheville on Wednesday and Dave (from Aruba and one of Dan and my first friends in Charlotte)and Stacy (my college classmate who lives in NYC) will be visiting on Thursday. It feels like things are going to be alright and I ready to be home after this painful, inevitable journey. Thank you all for your thoughts of consolation and love. It is keeping me going right down.
A bit of a whirlwind today...
[An aside]: Actually we passed through another windstorm yesterday as we crossed the wastelands of Eastern Colorado.
Thousands of scrub brush flew by in the windstorm
The wind was so wild I thought we'd fly off the road. At a gas station, we came across the Center for Severe Weather Research mobile command vehicles in the parking lot of a Holiday inn:
Built tough
Cool logo
Surreal moment
So today...leaving Kansas City a few hours late as Dayna was feeling ill, Dan's car broke down. Facing the prospect of being stranded for an indefinite period instead of visited our loved ones in Carbondale, IL (James Wood, one of Dan's college roomates) and in Indianapolis, IN (Donald and Sandy Rothbaum, Dayna's first cousins), I was pretty despondent.
Luckily my mom and dad were really supportive and pretty much laughed it off when we got stuck in the middle of the I-70 off ramp at the exit of the service station we had just sat at for four hours waiting for them to correct an overheating engine. Their initial attempt involving replacing the thermostat and flushing the radiator did not solve the problem. Apparently, the engine head is cracked. It could be up to a week before the car may be repaired.
Now I'm sharing a drink with my parents of diet Coke and Jack Daniels at the seedy Residency Inn & Suites motel off the Noland Avenue exit in Independence, Missouri. We are booked on the 4pm flight tomorrow back to Chapel Hill and just have to figure out how to get to the KC airport from this strange waystation on the American prairie (MANY THANKS OLIVIA!). Billy is going to come meet us tomorrow night and Alison has offered to get the car and drive it back to Asheville. I'll be back to Asheville on Wednesday and Dave (from Aruba and one of Dan and my first friends in Charlotte)and Stacy (my college classmate who lives in NYC) will be visiting on Thursday. It feels like things are going to be alright and I ready to be home after this painful, inevitable journey. Thank you all for your thoughts of consolation and love. It is keeping me going right down.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Saying Good Bye to a Brother
The first time I heard about Dan Lucas was from his brother, Greg, who was 5 at the time. The Lucas family had just moved in across the street from us in Charlotte. Greg informed me that Dan was being born, as we spoke, upstairs in his house!
I digress. I guess that is the long way of saying that I knew Dan from the day he was born, or thereabouts. Over the course of time, I watched Dan grow up. I changed his diapers, took him to music lessons and helped him learn to swim. To be sure, he could be contrary and stubborn, but his dominant characteristics were his sensitivity and thoughtfulness. As the people reading this already know, he struggled with fitting in from an early age. What I didn't realize until now is that maybe we are all dysfunctional in that we are not aware of others enough and Dan was unusual because he had that greater amount of awareness of others that we lack. Dan was the Stranger in a Strange Land and eventually his strangeness killed him.
How does one say good bye to a fallen brother? Like Greg, there were a thousand things that I never got to tell Dan, but they are minimal compared to the times when we did talk; on the phone, in the car and on the river. So I will say good bye to those thousand things never said, but I will keep the multitude that were spoken. I will be sad that I won't talk to him again, or have him show me the latest trick on the water, but I will be happy, too, because the Stranger has gone home and I was fortunate that I was here to participate in his visit, however short.
I digress. I guess that is the long way of saying that I knew Dan from the day he was born, or thereabouts. Over the course of time, I watched Dan grow up. I changed his diapers, took him to music lessons and helped him learn to swim. To be sure, he could be contrary and stubborn, but his dominant characteristics were his sensitivity and thoughtfulness. As the people reading this already know, he struggled with fitting in from an early age. What I didn't realize until now is that maybe we are all dysfunctional in that we are not aware of others enough and Dan was unusual because he had that greater amount of awareness of others that we lack. Dan was the Stranger in a Strange Land and eventually his strangeness killed him.
How does one say good bye to a fallen brother? Like Greg, there were a thousand things that I never got to tell Dan, but they are minimal compared to the times when we did talk; on the phone, in the car and on the river. So I will say good bye to those thousand things never said, but I will keep the multitude that were spoken. I will be sad that I won't talk to him again, or have him show me the latest trick on the water, but I will be happy, too, because the Stranger has gone home and I was fortunate that I was here to participate in his visit, however short.
Dan Lucas Memorial Fund
I am also writing now to let folks reading this know about a new project the Lucas Family is starting as a way to honor the life of Dan Lucas. The Dan Lucas Memorial Fund will finance a yearly concert in Asheville. The initial focus will be jazz, one of Dan's great passions as a musician and areas of massive knowledge as a student. The first concert will be held next February around Dan's birthday.
Greg remarked to me that the suicide seemed so secondary to Dan's life that he wanted to create something that was about celebrating life in general, and things in Dan's life in particular that were a source of positivity and community, as well as deep artistic expression and inquiry.
Greg, Dana, Peter, and a few other board members will administer the endowment and select performers for the series
Given the large community we all call family, in Ashevegas and way way beyond, all over the country, through the desert, and all over this planet(!), I think one of the hopes is that as a seasonal event...and likely after-party...concerts in the series can also be a way for those of us proximal or mobile enough to Asheville to get up-get up And get down.
I know the Lucas family is starting the fund themselves. I've contributed. If anyone else wants to make a gift, you can mail a check (they make fun of themselves for not having an on-line button...oh well) to:
The Community Foundation of Western North Carolina
Attn: Dan Lucas Memorial Fund
P.O. Box 1888
Asheville, NC 28802
I lastly want to say that there are lots of ways to rock some solidarity for the Lucas family. In the end, and I think from talking with Greg about it a lot recently, its really more about just reaching out to connect with each other. See y'all soon.
Billy
Greg remarked to me that the suicide seemed so secondary to Dan's life that he wanted to create something that was about celebrating life in general, and things in Dan's life in particular that were a source of positivity and community, as well as deep artistic expression and inquiry.
Greg, Dana, Peter, and a few other board members will administer the endowment and select performers for the series
Given the large community we all call family, in Ashevegas and way way beyond, all over the country, through the desert, and all over this planet(!), I think one of the hopes is that as a seasonal event...and likely after-party...concerts in the series can also be a way for those of us proximal or mobile enough to Asheville to get up-get up And get down.
I know the Lucas family is starting the fund themselves. I've contributed. If anyone else wants to make a gift, you can mail a check (they make fun of themselves for not having an on-line button...oh well) to:
The Community Foundation of Western North Carolina
Attn: Dan Lucas Memorial Fund
P.O. Box 1888
Asheville, NC 28802
I lastly want to say that there are lots of ways to rock some solidarity for the Lucas family. In the end, and I think from talking with Greg about it a lot recently, its really more about just reaching out to connect with each other. See y'all soon.
Billy
Stone to Wind, Wind to Stone
Billy here writing this post.
I've been a friend of the Lucas' since i met Greg in the seventh grade. I've known Dan through a lot of different phases of his life. Its incredible to me, as in difficult to believe, that he is gone.
I'm very sad, a bit lost in the labrynth of existential esoteria, and feeling kind of spun out from the last several hectic weeks, culminating in Dan's death...even despite the overflow of positive things in my life right now.
It is such a sudden wrenching-open for the channels of grief that run through our souls that it takes time, who knows how long, for our spirits to adjust to their new dilation of sorrow across the bandwidth of the heart.... Its almost ten days ago that i found out Dan had killed himself - its crazy, but looking back over these days, with my mind semi-paralyzed in frenetic thought-motion, i can see how the thoughts drift forward in time at the same speed as the surrounding current...unable to change trajectory, spinning in lazy circles...i am called in my mind to afternoons floating with Dan and Greg down through the gorge of the French Broad river near our spot in Asheville...absorbing something powerful together in the feeling of the water and sun - life can seem so endless...foolish, i know.
Miss you Dan.
Big love to Greg and Dana and Peter on your journey across the plains....
pheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew -- big exhale.
Alright...i am pretty much done with a brief period of intense tear shedding just now. I'm going to switch my mind and switch gears, and consequently, switch posts.
Greg - really looking forward to seeing you when you get back. I definitely can say that the community here is rallying in their hearts for you and your family, Dan especially. SO many people ask me to convey their empathetic feelings of kinship to you. And i know also that when you all get back home, a new part of the journey begins, much of that infused with love, appreciation, and solidarity from folks back here in the garden of your everyday.
peace everyone.
"Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs."
--Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through It
Friday, April 25, 2008
Time Wasted on Time
Friday April 25, 2008
I am so overwhelmed in sadness. It's a rabbit hole of useless pain to imagine all the calls I could have made, trips we could have gone on, the words of appreciation, respect and admiration I never shared. I loved my brother Dan so much. And I miss him terribly.
Together at the Golden Gate Bridge, April 6th 2008
Is it the altitude here in Crested Butte? Sheer exhaustion from the emotional pressure cooker of a hatchback on the 3000 miles home? The growing understanding of how love for each other is the only purpose worth pursuing from this point on? {I'm nervous this post may be getting too personal, too strange....?}
We had a great day, distracted from the memories and circumstances to find ourselves in such an amazing place.
Lucille's cabin on Cement Creek, Gunnison County Colorado
This afternoon looking back at Crested Butte mountain
Aunt Lucille (Peter's sister) is such a positive force in my life.
Lucille with some of her own art at her print gallery on Elk Street in Crested Butte
Dan visited her last August here in Crested Butte for a week. He was a man of the mountains, whitewater, snowy slopes. He was a Man of so much: great achievements supported by great humility and great kindness. So talented and also cursed. He was driven because of a void, conceptual in one sense but primarily biochemical in another.
Peter and Lucille have been getting along very well. It hasn't always been that way. My Father is the city mouse and my Aunt the country mouse in many ways. To see them bonding, appreciating each other, forgiving and moving on from a dysfunctional past is healing wounds in me that are so deep.
The Lucas' discussing their common profession of Print Art in Lucille's gallery this afternoon
Peter and Lucille on a hike past Peanut Lake in the shadow of Crested Butte mountain
I'm retreating into the music playing through my computer. It's my friend John Shannon's album "American Mystic". He aims to create Sound Healing music and right now it is doing just that for me.
Among the Sea, Among the Stars
JOHN SHANNON
Wrap me in the light, the sound of the Sun.
Fall calling tonight, I go till I'm gone.
I know things aren't the same, they said its the End but its not.
Tonight a light like the dawn reaching and calling You on;
You see, You breathe like the ghost, the ghost that I'm following there.
We dream among the sea, among the stars.
Time wasted on time.
The light goes around.
Strange days that occur, the shifting in the ground.
I know things aren't the same, they said its the End but its not.
Tonight a light like the dawn reaching and calling you on;
You see, You breathe like the ghost, the ghost that I'm following there.
We dream among the sea, among the stars.
Whew, I feel better now! Thank you for allowing me this audience, anonymous yet full of so much love projected out towards me and my parents. I love you all.
I am so overwhelmed in sadness. It's a rabbit hole of useless pain to imagine all the calls I could have made, trips we could have gone on, the words of appreciation, respect and admiration I never shared. I loved my brother Dan so much. And I miss him terribly.
Together at the Golden Gate Bridge, April 6th 2008
Is it the altitude here in Crested Butte? Sheer exhaustion from the emotional pressure cooker of a hatchback on the 3000 miles home? The growing understanding of how love for each other is the only purpose worth pursuing from this point on? {I'm nervous this post may be getting too personal, too strange....?}
We had a great day, distracted from the memories and circumstances to find ourselves in such an amazing place.
Lucille's cabin on Cement Creek, Gunnison County Colorado
This afternoon looking back at Crested Butte mountain
Aunt Lucille (Peter's sister) is such a positive force in my life.
Lucille with some of her own art at her print gallery on Elk Street in Crested Butte
Dan visited her last August here in Crested Butte for a week. He was a man of the mountains, whitewater, snowy slopes. He was a Man of so much: great achievements supported by great humility and great kindness. So talented and also cursed. He was driven because of a void, conceptual in one sense but primarily biochemical in another.
Peter and Lucille have been getting along very well. It hasn't always been that way. My Father is the city mouse and my Aunt the country mouse in many ways. To see them bonding, appreciating each other, forgiving and moving on from a dysfunctional past is healing wounds in me that are so deep.
The Lucas' discussing their common profession of Print Art in Lucille's gallery this afternoon
Peter and Lucille on a hike past Peanut Lake in the shadow of Crested Butte mountain
I'm retreating into the music playing through my computer. It's my friend John Shannon's album "American Mystic". He aims to create Sound Healing music and right now it is doing just that for me.
Among the Sea, Among the Stars
JOHN SHANNON
Wrap me in the light, the sound of the Sun.
Fall calling tonight, I go till I'm gone.
I know things aren't the same, they said its the End but its not.
Tonight a light like the dawn reaching and calling You on;
You see, You breathe like the ghost, the ghost that I'm following there.
We dream among the sea, among the stars.
Time wasted on time.
The light goes around.
Strange days that occur, the shifting in the ground.
I know things aren't the same, they said its the End but its not.
Tonight a light like the dawn reaching and calling you on;
You see, You breathe like the ghost, the ghost that I'm following there.
We dream among the sea, among the stars.
Whew, I feel better now! Thank you for allowing me this audience, anonymous yet full of so much love projected out towards me and my parents. I love you all.
The Fortune Says: "Travelling to the south will bring you unexpected happiness"
Thursday, April 24 2008
In Reno, our fortune cookie assured us the trip south would do us well. That was hard to imagine getting in the car amid an ice storm at 9am this morning in Salt Lake City. For the first three hours of our drive down US-6, an amazing route through Wasatch ranges into the Capital Reef canyons, my dad and I argued, cried, blamed and eventually grew. I had to lighten up a little bit in the bathroom of a rural gas station which had these pictures on the wall.
There is no sense in Dan's Depression. He fought the disease for his whole life. It's impossible for me (and my parents) not to feel guilt for our unawareness or at least our temporary lack of vigilance to ensure Dan was supported. Once the tension subsided we turned on the radio and found a scratchy NPR affiliate out of Price Utah. The Talk of the Nation was on and this story ran:
Dan battled his mental illness through a variety of therapies: pharmaceutical, experiential, talk-based. Anything that would keep him out of the darkness that only he knew. For the last several years, he successfully treated it with the medication Paxil. However, he would occasionally try to reduce his dosage or take a break from it altogether. We believe that at the time of his suicide he was taking a small dose or possibly none at all.
His psychiatrist in Berkeley told us Dan did not ask for a new prescription and there were left-over pills in his apartment indicating he had chosen to not take the drug. The doctor also said that Dan seemed fine in their last session, which took place on Friday April 11th, less than a week before he died. We were all riveted by the radio show and suggest anyone who questions the efficacy or potential side effects of anti-depressants to battle Depression listen to the piece. One sobering statistic is that between 2% and 12% of Americans suffering from Depression kill themselves.
The afternoon was much better and the landscape served as inspiration to let go a little bit of our loss. The final stretch into Crested Butte was incredibly beautiful and I was so happy to be bringing my parents to Aunt Lucille's home, which they had never visited.
Blue Mesa Lake on Route 50 between Montrose and Gunnison, Colorado
In Reno, our fortune cookie assured us the trip south would do us well. That was hard to imagine getting in the car amid an ice storm at 9am this morning in Salt Lake City. For the first three hours of our drive down US-6, an amazing route through Wasatch ranges into the Capital Reef canyons, my dad and I argued, cried, blamed and eventually grew. I had to lighten up a little bit in the bathroom of a rural gas station which had these pictures on the wall.
There is no sense in Dan's Depression. He fought the disease for his whole life. It's impossible for me (and my parents) not to feel guilt for our unawareness or at least our temporary lack of vigilance to ensure Dan was supported. Once the tension subsided we turned on the radio and found a scratchy NPR affiliate out of Price Utah. The Talk of the Nation was on and this story ran:
Growing Up on Antidepressants
Listen Now [30 min 18 sec]
His psychiatrist in Berkeley told us Dan did not ask for a new prescription and there were left-over pills in his apartment indicating he had chosen to not take the drug. The doctor also said that Dan seemed fine in their last session, which took place on Friday April 11th, less than a week before he died. We were all riveted by the radio show and suggest anyone who questions the efficacy or potential side effects of anti-depressants to battle Depression listen to the piece. One sobering statistic is that between 2% and 12% of Americans suffering from Depression kill themselves.
The afternoon was much better and the landscape served as inspiration to let go a little bit of our loss. The final stretch into Crested Butte was incredibly beautiful and I was so happy to be bringing my parents to Aunt Lucille's home, which they had never visited.
Blue Mesa Lake on Route 50 between Montrose and Gunnison, Colorado
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Kayaking Video of Dan
Here's a short video edited by Max Jones, one of Dan's best friends in Asheville. Dan loved to kayak along with Sean, James K, James Wood, Tyler, Svend, Billy, Jeff, Mitchell, myself and many others. It is interesting that he never mentioned his kayaking to his Chemistry peers at Berkeley. He was tenacious, fearless and got so much enjoyment out of the sport. I hope he knew that I was always so proud of his whitewater exploits...
Dust
Thursday April 24, 2008
We crossed the expanse of dust and rock between the Sierra and Wabash ranges that makes up most of Nevada and Utah yesterday. The day started in Reno at Peg's Glorified Ham and Eggs, my favorite pre-Burning Man Breakfast spot.
Peg's Huevos & Chef George's Eggs Benedict
When we reached Pyramid Lake on the Paiute Indian Reservation north of Reno, the air was clear and the lake was so blue. White Pelicans circled in the air.
Interesting history...
Incredibly blue water...
But on the Playa of the Black Rock Desert, where Burning Man is held each year, a dust storm occluded all vision and the wind roared as I've never experienced it before. As soon as my mom stepped out of the car, her hat was carried away by the gale. I chased after it for a quarter mile before the alkaline dust seared my lungs. Another casualty. In the desolation, I thought of Dan and the fact that his body was cremated around that time on Wednesday.
Fighting the storm...
Family on the Playa...
We made good time to Salt Lake City. After ten hours in the car I had to get away so I walked around the Temple Square and downtown area of this strange city.
Mormon statue of Mother and Son...
We crossed the expanse of dust and rock between the Sierra and Wabash ranges that makes up most of Nevada and Utah yesterday. The day started in Reno at Peg's Glorified Ham and Eggs, my favorite pre-Burning Man Breakfast spot.
Peg's Huevos & Chef George's Eggs Benedict
When we reached Pyramid Lake on the Paiute Indian Reservation north of Reno, the air was clear and the lake was so blue. White Pelicans circled in the air.
Interesting history...
Incredibly blue water...
But on the Playa of the Black Rock Desert, where Burning Man is held each year, a dust storm occluded all vision and the wind roared as I've never experienced it before. As soon as my mom stepped out of the car, her hat was carried away by the gale. I chased after it for a quarter mile before the alkaline dust seared my lungs. Another casualty. In the desolation, I thought of Dan and the fact that his body was cremated around that time on Wednesday.
Fighting the storm...
Family on the Playa...
We made good time to Salt Lake City. After ten hours in the car I had to get away so I walked around the Temple Square and downtown area of this strange city.
Mormon statue of Mother and Son...
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Xenon and Reno
Wednesday April 23, 2008
As an unscientific layman, I cannot explain what Dan was actually doing with all the lasers and computers down in the D-Level (aka Dungeon) of the Chemistry building. Dan's fellow students at Berkeley passed on this link to their research: http://www.cchem.berkeley.edu/cbhgrp/.
We pulled into Reno around 9pm last night. At dusk we hit a snowstorm around the Donner Pass in the Sierras. Everyone was a little apprehensive as the roads were icy and semi trucks spewed slush across our windshield. I felt better driving and in some semblance of control, briefly. We listened to Wilco's "Yankee Foxtrot Hotel" and Miles Davis' "Sketches of Spain" from Dan's CD collection.
The Harris research group, Dan is first from the left on the back row.
As an unscientific layman, I cannot explain what Dan was actually doing with all the lasers and computers down in the D-Level (aka Dungeon) of the Chemistry building. Dan's fellow students at Berkeley passed on this link to their research: http://www.cchem.berkeley.edu/cbhgrp/.
We pulled into Reno around 9pm last night. At dusk we hit a snowstorm around the Donner Pass in the Sierras. Everyone was a little apprehensive as the roads were icy and semi trucks spewed slush across our windshield. I felt better driving and in some semblance of control, briefly. We listened to Wilco's "Yankee Foxtrot Hotel" and Miles Davis' "Sketches of Spain" from Dan's CD collection.
The Harris research group, Dan is first from the left on the back row.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Looking Forward
Tuesday April 22, 2008
We are leaving California in a few more hours. The journey home to North Carolina seems daunting and the grief continues to come in waves. My mom was particularly sad today. We've been keeping busy though and celebrating my Aunt Chris' birthday here in her house in Tracy, about 30 miles East of Berkeley. Tonight we'll be staying in Reno, NV and hopefully have time to make it out to the Black Rock Desert, where Burning Man takes place each year. For me, the last eight years have revolved around the event, which Dan was thinking about coming to in 2008. I think my parents need to at least see the location of Burning Man to understand me a little better . We are committing ourselves to better understanding as a family...
View Larger Map
Our route across country
We are leaving California in a few more hours. The journey home to North Carolina seems daunting and the grief continues to come in waves. My mom was particularly sad today. We've been keeping busy though and celebrating my Aunt Chris' birthday here in her house in Tracy, about 30 miles East of Berkeley. Tonight we'll be staying in Reno, NV and hopefully have time to make it out to the Black Rock Desert, where Burning Man takes place each year. For me, the last eight years have revolved around the event, which Dan was thinking about coming to in 2008. I think my parents need to at least see the location of Burning Man to understand me a little better . We are committing ourselves to better understanding as a family...
View Larger Map
Our route across country
Monday, April 21, 2008
The Journey Home
Monday April 21, 2008
Just a quick update that tomorrow my parents and I will take a week to travel back home to North Carolina. We are all a little apprehensive (about being in a car together for that long -- we've never done a cross country road trip together) and a lot sad (about losing Dan). The past five days since finding out about Dan's death have been surreal, horrible and retrospectively the first steps towards eventual healing. I'll recount some of these experiences day-by-day when I have some time later. In the meantime, know that all of your expressions of concern, love and appreciation of Dan and our family are what keeps us going in this dark moment.
Dan demonstrating sine wave modulations in his Berkeley apartment using string and a small jig saw (see Yoni's comment to the first blog entry below), Thanksgiving 2007.
Just a quick update that tomorrow my parents and I will take a week to travel back home to North Carolina. We are all a little apprehensive (about being in a car together for that long -- we've never done a cross country road trip together) and a lot sad (about losing Dan). The past five days since finding out about Dan's death have been surreal, horrible and retrospectively the first steps towards eventual healing. I'll recount some of these experiences day-by-day when I have some time later. In the meantime, know that all of your expressions of concern, love and appreciation of Dan and our family are what keeps us going in this dark moment.
Dan demonstrating sine wave modulations in his Berkeley apartment using string and a small jig saw (see Yoni's comment to the first blog entry below), Thanksgiving 2007.
Post from Peter Lucas, Dan's Dad
Sunday April 20, 2008
To heal our wounds we will drive our fallen son's car home. He died fighting to grow up. He thought his high status as a star scientist-to-be had brought him to adulthood. All his colleagues said he was fantastic, an intellectual dynamo. When he saw he couldn't stay up there he wrote that he might go back to "the love and safety mommy and daddy could give" him. He was man enough to reject this option but too sick psychologically to go on living as a failure and a child in his own, but not any one else's, eyes.
Professor Harris and many of Dan's friends, lab mates and teachers gathered to share their memories of Dan on Sunday April 20, Berkeley campus
To heal our wounds we will drive our fallen son's car home. He died fighting to grow up. He thought his high status as a star scientist-to-be had brought him to adulthood. All his colleagues said he was fantastic, an intellectual dynamo. When he saw he couldn't stay up there he wrote that he might go back to "the love and safety mommy and daddy could give" him. He was man enough to reject this option but too sick psychologically to go on living as a failure and a child in his own, but not any one else's, eyes.
Professor Harris and many of Dan's friends, lab mates and teachers gathered to share their memories of Dan on Sunday April 20, Berkeley campus
Article in Daily Californian on Dan
The Berkeley student paper published this article on Dan last Friday:
http://www.dailycal.org/article/101357
A first-year College of Chemistry graduate student was found dead in his apartment Wednesday after an apparent suicide.
Friends described Daniel Lucas, 27, as "a driven scientist" who took a strong interest in his lab group project.
Three students who worked with Lucas reported him missing Wednesday afternoon. They grew worried after Lucas missed all of his classes and meetings earlier in the week and did not respond to phone calls, said Berkeley police Sgt. Mary Kusmiss.
According to his friends, it was unusual for Lucas to miss classes. Friends told police they had last seen Lucas in the early morning hours of Sunday.
"The friends shared that they weren't aware that he was suffering from any depression or outwardly shared any despondency," Kusmiss said.
A UCPD officer investigating the missing persons report climbed through an open window into Lucas' apartment on the 1700 block of Walnut Street.
After searching the apartment, the officer found Lucas, who appeared to have hanged himself.
Co-workers said Lucas was quiet, but was beginning to come out of his shell.
"He was a really friendly guy, really easygoing and easy to get along with," said Matt Zoerb, a friend and co-worker.
Police also found some writing in the apartment, although officials would not release the details of the contents.
Lucas earned a bachelor of science degree in chemistry from the University of North Carolina at Asheville.
Interested in physical chemistry, Lucas had spent the last few months using lasers to understand the steps of a chemical reaction.
"We were all impressed by him but I don't know if he ever appreciated that," said James Cahoon, a friend and co-worker.
http://www.dailycal.org/article/101357
Chemistry Student Found Dead in Apparent Suicide
Contributing Writer
Friday, April 18, 2008
A first-year College of Chemistry graduate student was found dead in his apartment Wednesday after an apparent suicide.
Friends described Daniel Lucas, 27, as "a driven scientist" who took a strong interest in his lab group project.
Three students who worked with Lucas reported him missing Wednesday afternoon. They grew worried after Lucas missed all of his classes and meetings earlier in the week and did not respond to phone calls, said Berkeley police Sgt. Mary Kusmiss.
According to his friends, it was unusual for Lucas to miss classes. Friends told police they had last seen Lucas in the early morning hours of Sunday.
"The friends shared that they weren't aware that he was suffering from any depression or outwardly shared any despondency," Kusmiss said.
A UCPD officer investigating the missing persons report climbed through an open window into Lucas' apartment on the 1700 block of Walnut Street.
After searching the apartment, the officer found Lucas, who appeared to have hanged himself.
Co-workers said Lucas was quiet, but was beginning to come out of his shell.
"He was a really friendly guy, really easygoing and easy to get along with," said Matt Zoerb, a friend and co-worker.
Police also found some writing in the apartment, although officials would not release the details of the contents.
Lucas earned a bachelor of science degree in chemistry from the University of North Carolina at Asheville.
Interested in physical chemistry, Lucas had spent the last few months using lasers to understand the steps of a chemical reaction.
"We were all impressed by him but I don't know if he ever appreciated that," said James Cahoon, a friend and co-worker.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Dan Lucas was here
Sunday April 20, 2008
To all our friends, family and loved ones --
My brother Dan passed away last week after battling Depression for the bulk of his adult life. It came as a total shock to myself and parents. We found out last Wednesday from the local deputy sheriff in Berkeley, California. Dan was a first year Chemistry PhD student at Cal. Arriving last May, Dan was very happy and excited to become a scientist of the highest caliber. He worked so hard for his last three years of undergraduate studies at University of North Carolina - Asheville.
I am very sad to have had to lose Dan in order to realize how deeply he is loved and how hard he struggled with his mental illness. Over the next week or so, my parents and I will drive back East to North Carolina. I realize we all need to reconnect as a family and process the tragedy. The only way it feels possible to survive right now for me is the support of all of you, who are so giving with your love and attention in this surreal terrible time. Thank you and know that we three love you and feel your presence with us. This is the first blog I've written so not sure where I will end up going in the following days...
Dan with Greg and Aunt Lucille in Berkeley, Thanksgiving 2007
--
To all our friends, family and loved ones --
My brother Dan passed away last week after battling Depression for the bulk of his adult life. It came as a total shock to myself and parents. We found out last Wednesday from the local deputy sheriff in Berkeley, California. Dan was a first year Chemistry PhD student at Cal. Arriving last May, Dan was very happy and excited to become a scientist of the highest caliber. He worked so hard for his last three years of undergraduate studies at University of North Carolina - Asheville.
I am very sad to have had to lose Dan in order to realize how deeply he is loved and how hard he struggled with his mental illness. Over the next week or so, my parents and I will drive back East to North Carolina. I realize we all need to reconnect as a family and process the tragedy. The only way it feels possible to survive right now for me is the support of all of you, who are so giving with your love and attention in this surreal terrible time. Thank you and know that we three love you and feel your presence with us. This is the first blog I've written so not sure where I will end up going in the following days...
Dan with Greg and Aunt Lucille in Berkeley, Thanksgiving 2007--
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)