Why Did He Do It?
On April 16, 2008, police found Daniel James Lucas, a 27-year-old graduate student at UC Berkeley, dead in his apartment. The apparent cause of death was suicide. Dayna, his mother and my best friend, told me the tragic news days later.
In late May, we celebrated Dan’s beautiful life and spirit in what was the most amazing memorial service I’ve ever attended. It was as unique and loving as this family is unique and loving. Those left behind have said goodbye in various, creative ways. We are trying to emerge from the shock and horror of such a sudden, tragic loss.
I started psychotherapy for the first time in my life. Despite other tragic losses and dealing with serious mental problems, I never ‘took to the couch’ before now. The first session was filled with the question of why Dan died. Why did Dan give up on himself or us? Why did we have to lose him?
Why did a handsome, intelligent, athletic, loved and loving man commit suicide at the prime of his life? Did he not realize how loved he was? Did he not know how much his family would hurt? Did he not have enough of something?
Since Dan’s death, I’ve heard many people comment about their perceived “sins of omission” as Dayna phrased it. The calls that were never made. The letter that didn’t get written. The call for help that wasn’t answered well enough.
Even though I had not seen or spoken with Dan in almost 10 years, I questioned myself. I feared exactly what happened and voiced that fear only 6 months earlier, but then backed down. I resigned myself to the reality that there was nothing any of us could do. From my many conversations with Dayna over the years, I knew Dan was sporadic about taking medication. Since I take similar medicine, I knew discontinuation was dangerous.
Dayna just assumes fault. She’s now combing every piece of evidence she can find to prove to us that she’s right about that. “Maybe if I hadn’t put him in the bathroom for time outs when he misbehaved”, she pondered. Does she honestly believe that putting 8-year-old Dan in the bathroom until he completed his temper tantrums set the wheels in motion for his suicide? No. I don’t think that she does believe that. Why then would she ask the question?
Why do any of us search so hard for culpability in this act of violence against a beautiful person? Are we all just hurting out loud or do we really believe we failed Dan? Could anyone or anything have saved Dan? Did any of us let him down?
I have no answers, just thoughts. Not only am I not an expert in mental health issues, I’m not an expert on any issue. I’m just a friend of a very hurt and sad family, feeling very hurt and sad myself. Just like everyone else I suppose, I’m trying to ease the hurt any way that I can. Right now exploring the questions posed is my way of easing the hurt.
In the almost 20 years I’ve known the Lucas family, I’ve share many precious moments and experiences. The Lucas household in Charlotte was Grand Central for the neighborhood kids. In that home, not only were you always welcomed, you were celebrated. You could be your true self in that home and with that family. Life was celebrated. Passions were encouraged. Creativity and individuality were rewarded.
Dayna and Peter exposed their kids, Greg and Dan to all aspects of life and gave them the freedom and respect to make their own decisions. Although themselves atheist, they attended a Unitarian Church regularly so their children would have a spiritual community and the chance to make their own decisions about life.
Dan and Greg could pursue any passion and choose their own path through life. They did choose their own paths. They pursued many passions.
From the outside, Dan had it all. Parents who loved him and each other. A best friend who happened to be his adoring older brother and fellow free spirit. Financial freedom to explore the world physically through travel and intellectually through academic pursuits at leisure. He had friends and extended family stretched across the nation and the planet. Dan had options.
While Dan’s life was certainly financially comfortable, he was not pampered or spoiled. Dan did not hunger for or demand material possessions. He valued human connection and had genuine compassion for others.
I met Dan when Dayna became a co-worker. He was 8 years old and cutting his own hair. Dayna cut their hair when they were small. She decided that it was time for them to go to the barber. Greg went without incident. Dan refused. Since Dayna would not give in and continue to cut his hair for him, he took matters - and scissors - into his own hands. He did a decent job of cutting his hair most of the time. It wasn’t too bad for unskilled hands. Perhaps even quite good for 8-year-old, unskilled hands.
Resistance to changing the haircut routine was but one example of Dan’s inflexibility. It quickly became apparent to me that Dan was not comfortable in his own skin. He was not only very easily agitated, he was agitated to the extreme. Being the center of attention embarrassed him. Not being the center of attention angered him.
To some degree that’s called “being a kid.” But Dan’s temper tantrums were extreme. Once –because he wanted to go home instead - he refused to join Dayna and Greg for lunch in a restaurant. He remained in the car sulking. He later came in to report to Dayna that he ‘accidentally’ kicked a passenger window out of the car.
In many ways, Dan lived in his own world and he only sometimes visited us. Dan’s struggle was evident early.
Conversely, Dan was intellectually and emotionally very smart, inquisitive, musically and artistically talented, and adventurous. He could be very engaging and sweet.
This much we know, Dan was mentally ill. Dan suffered and shared that suffering for a long time. Dan’s mental illness was as real as any cancerous growth or any physical ailment.
I affectionately refer to the variations of mental illness as shades of color. No one has exactly the same brain functioning, so we all have different colors. I have serious ADD and anxiety, with a touch of OCD. Any depression I’ve suffered has been as a result of my inability to control my behavior or because of temporary episodes or circumstances. I have never been clinically depressed.
I related to Dan’s struggle very easily. I saw a lot of my 8-year-old self in his discomfort – physical and emotional. Although I was diagnosed late in life, stimulant medication changed my life in a matter of 20 minutes. I’ve never looked back. I’ll never return to that hell of obsessive worry and self defeat. If I couldn’t have the medication, I’d join Dan. I exaggerate about a lot of things. I can be dramatic. But about that …I am serious.
Dan was diagnosed with ADD early in life and treated with stimulant medications. He was on and off those medicines a lot. Nothing truly worked for him long term. Dan had some extended battles with depression. Conversely, Dan engaged in some extreme physical activities such as white water rafting.
Dayna thinks now that it’s possible that Dan suffered from bipolar disorder and was improperly diagnosed. That’s possible. That’s even likely. That explains a lot of inconsistencies. It explains why neither stimulant nor anti-depressant medication seemed to work for him.
From what I’ve learned from reading about depression and suicide, I think it is highly likely that Dan’s existing depression and other mental problems were exacerbated by some current challenge or problem that seemed insurmountable or otherwise unbearable. I think starting a doctoral program in physical chemistry at a prestigious university 3,000 miles from home counts as a major stressor. But by all accounts – from fellow students and faculty - Dan was adjusting well socially and excelling academically. No one at UC Berkeley saw this coming.
I also read that the most significant indicator of a completed suicide is prior attempts or furtherance of specific plans and threats. Dan had other melt downs. I don’t know if Dan had ever attempted or planned suicide before, but I know he had voiced suicidal thoughts before. Dayna says that he threatened to jump out of a window in a hotel when they visited family out-of-state. This happened before I met him.
Mental illness is real and - as we’ve seen – it can be fatal. If mental illness is as real as cancer, why do we question our role in this? I think we deny that reality for the same reason we deny any other painful emotional reality - because we can.
In the physical world, it does us no good to deny that our row boat has a hole it while we’re in the middle of the lake. Shortly, we’re going to get wet.
Without the context of physics and/or physical manifestations of actions or inaction, we see what we want to see. In the great expanse of our human capacity for abstract thought and symbolic reasoning, we explain away or conjure up anything we want to ease - or promote - our suffering. If we think it, it is. If we don’t think it, it isn’t.
With cancer, we cannot even pretend to make a difference. We accept that people get sick and some get better and some do not. The difference is not ours to make. At least intellectually we understand that no amount of love can make the difference in the physical world. We know that not everyone gets cancer. But because mental illness manifests and is masked by mental processing that we all experience, we deny that it is in fact an illness. We exaggerate the extent to which we can influence another person’s well being.
By denying that it is an illness, we allow ourselves to believe that something we could do or say could make a difference. Conversely, we believe that something we did or said made a difference. Because -unlike cancer- no one actually dies from suffering, we think that being loved enough will keep people with us.
Inherent in this belief is an assumption that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Few things are that simple and straight forward. It is a permanent solution, but how long does one have to despair before we allow them the option of leaving us? How deep does the well of despair have to be for suicide to make sense to us?
In the same way that some people survive physical illnesses and other similarly situated people do not, some of us survive our mental illnesses and some of us do not. The difference may be as simple as the degree to which we suffer – the degree to which our brains distort reality. The degree to which our brains distort reality is something that we can’t hear with a stethoscope or photograph with MRI.
Also, in the same way that some cancer can be successfully treated, some mental illness can be successfully treated. If only Dan had been properly diagnosed or found the right medication? Dan tried many medications and many combinations of medication. Dan was diagnosed early in life. Dan saw a psychiatrist days before he took his own life. Dan saw the psychiatrist twice a week for several weeks. If Dan was in fact misdiagnosed, it illustrates the point even more clearly, that we deny emotional realities that are too scary for us to accept. Or that we see what we want to see.
If Dan was in fact misdiagnosed as depressed rather than bipolar, that would explain why the medications didn’t work for him and in fact may have exacerbated his condition.
In many ways bipolar disorder is just now coming into the mainstream as distinct from depression and ADD? Medical professionals are human, and fallible. And often see patients only during the depressed cycle of the disorder. Does anyone ever go to the doctor complaining of euphoria, unbounded energy and a very high sense of importance?
Diagnosing mental conditions almost entirely relies on subjective reporting of the patient’s reality and circumstances. Objective assessment is virtually impossible in all but the most extreme circumstances.
Unlike cancer, mental functioning can be masked by a patient either intentionally by hiding facts. Patients can also hide facts by not knowing what it means to be healthy. In the same way that it’s difficult for treating professionals to discern a patient’s true mental state, its difficult for patients to know what is and isn’t significant. What is abnormal as opposed to what’s just me?
Any behavior that can rationally be explained by ordinary life stress, or eccentricity usually is explained and not treated or explored. And rightly so. The overwhelming majority of people with mental illness –even severe illness such as bipolar disorder and schizophrenia - do not kill themselves or others.
Suicide is an extreme response. But for those of us left behind, that reality provides little comfort.
Every pink ribbon advocating better breast cancer research reminds me that I miss my friend Gertrude. Prevention, treatment and cure of that illness are for those of us remaining. It won’t bring her back. I’ll always advocate for more mental health awareness, and better treatment options. But, doing so will always remind me of the many people who miss Dan.
Dan was loved. Dan knew he was loved. Dan loved. Dan spent quality time with his brother days before he took his own life. He spoke with his mother days before and partied with friends, perhaps hours before.
In addition to being a doting, loving mother, Dayna is a physician and was a practicing pediatrician at the time of Dan’s birth. Dayna always knew where Dan was in his emotional life. She was very present in his life. If she stood back and watched, it was only out of respect for Dan to make his own decisions about his life. Dayna believed Dan when he said he was ok. She had no reason not to believe him.
Dayna believed me when I said that I feared for Dan. She has always feared for his wellbeing. “What can I do?”, she asked. “Nothing”, I answered. My answer was followed by a grimace. I shuddered at the horrible thought of this beautiful family losing Dan. I agreed with Dayna then, and I agree now, there was nothing she could have done.
Even if she disregarded his legal and moral right to govern himself, she wouldn’t know whether she needed to force the pills down his throat or remove them. Did she need to pack his bags and bring him back to North Carolina, or let him make up his own mind about whether the stress of Berkeley was too much? Given the accounts of the people around Dan at the time of his death, including the treating psychiatrist, no commitment order could have been secured.
But there must have been something we missed? Since such a beautiful, loving person is no longer with us, we had to have missed something. This reality makes no sense.
If we assume that Dan was emotionally healthy but just sad or hitting his academic wall, this reality makes no sense. If we accept that Dan was very psychologically ill, this reality makes sense but is still very tragic and sad.
Mental illness is real. Dan was as human as anyone else on the planet. Dan was as susceptible to withdrawal side effects as anyone else stopping anti-depressants. Dan was at the mercy of his brain functioning just as much as any one else on the planet. We can only deduce that Dan’s brain registered danger where none existed. Dan’s brain registered failure, where none existed.
Dan lived his life fully. To the extent that Dan had a choice in the matter, we should respect that it was his decision to make. No one can decide for any one else what quality of life is sufficient to justify continuing. No one can decide for any one else, how much despair justifies a final exit.
We don’t forcibly restrain people without some objective indication that they are a threat to themselves or others. You’re a threat to yourself when you don’t want to die but feel that you’re being compelled by some outside force. I don’t think anyone truly wants to die. I think they just want the hurting to stop.
Because the overwhelming majority of people living with major depression and mental illness do not take their own lives, we’re cautious in favor of individual autonomy and individual liberty. And rightly so.
We can never know what price Dan paid to remain with us for 27 years. We want to believe that there was an answer out there for him, if he’d only shared with us his pain. If only our medical intervention for mental illness were as advanced as it is for physical illness. We don’t know that for sure. None of us had any answers for him when we knew he was suffering. We could not make any promises. If there was anything what so ever that could have been done to ease Dan’s suffering it would have been done long, long ago.
If we believe that Dan was overwhelmed with withdrawal, and did not have a choice, we should lobby for better education about the side effects of discontinuing these medications. And maybe for better medications.
Why did Dan leave us? I don’t know. I believe he did so because he suffered from a very real illness that he decided he could not conquer. Did any of our sins of commission and omission contribute to Dan’s death? Absolutely, unequivocally no. Dan was loved, cared for, protected, respected, and admired. He was never ignored. None of us let Dan down. Dan did not let us down. Dan’s illness was very real.
I won’t let the circumstances of Dan’s death detract me from the real work to be done here. I will celebrate and honor Dan’s beautiful life. I will continue living mine with as much peace and acceptance of reality as possible.
We can and should honor Dan by taking care of ourselves and each other the best that we can. We start to emerge from the well of despair by accepting nothing we did caused Dan to want to leave us. Dan didn’t want to leave us. Dan found the peace he needed and the peace he deserved the only way he knew possible. We didn’t fail Dan and Dan didn’t fail us. Mental illness is real. Dan’s mental illness was fatal.
To the extent that we can learn from any life experience, its ok for us scour our interactions with Dan to find ‘pearls of wisdom’ and to mature emotionally. That’s healthy. Its also good to re-live the many, many good times to remind ourselves that Dan was a sweet and loving boy who became a sweet and loving man.
Punishing ourselves for being alive when our loved one isn’t, is natural and understandable. But it is not ok. And it is not healthy. More every day I accept that Dan is gone. More every day I’m determined to find peace with that unchangeable reality. More every day I’m determined to help my best friend find peace with that unchangeable reality.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Post from Dayna about the Memorial service
Sunday June 1st
As I was taking Pearl for a long walk this morning, I was reflecting on the wonderful memorial event that we shared last week. From the candle lighting, to the readings, the personal memories, the bowl that cracked during the Magic Fire music to the great walk up the hill behind Jinx's xylophone-giant-tricycle to Greg's house for the Indian buffet from one of Dan's favorite restaurants, this day will live in my heart forever. Fire has always had a deep meaning for me as a symbol for light, warmth, intensity, purification and transcendence, so my special thanks to Kate, Mirian and Billy who worked so hard. I do not believe that we will ever fully understand why Dan took his own life, and frankly, I hope that no one will fully comprehend it because then they would suffer that same pain. To all of our friends and family, I love you. Dan was very lucky to have you all in his life and we were all lucky to have Dan in ours.
As I was taking Pearl for a long walk this morning, I was reflecting on the wonderful memorial event that we shared last week. From the candle lighting, to the readings, the personal memories, the bowl that cracked during the Magic Fire music to the great walk up the hill behind Jinx's xylophone-giant-tricycle to Greg's house for the Indian buffet from one of Dan's favorite restaurants, this day will live in my heart forever. Fire has always had a deep meaning for me as a symbol for light, warmth, intensity, purification and transcendence, so my special thanks to Kate, Mirian and Billy who worked so hard. I do not believe that we will ever fully understand why Dan took his own life, and frankly, I hope that no one will fully comprehend it because then they would suffer that same pain. To all of our friends and family, I love you. Dan was very lucky to have you all in his life and we were all lucky to have Dan in ours.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Birth Celebrated
May 24th, 2008
Last weekend was an amazing, healing series of celebration and remembrance. On Saturday, my room mates held a shower for their soon to be born son Xander. We were lucky enough to have a spectacular day of early Summer weather and fired up a massive tableau of BBQ in the backyard.
Greg manning the double grill set up in the backyard of 92 Clingman
To usher in the newborn, the attendees gathered by the stone firepit and offered advice, love and thoughts to Logan and Ginger. It was great to have friends, family and supporters gathered at the house including Logan's sister with her family and Ginger's father Graham and step mom.
Logan's sister and her family (front) and Ginger's dad and step-mom (back)
Ginger smiling and eight months pregnant with Zander
Mama Sarah Wells sharing her thoughts with the parents to be
We also hosted the early arrivals for Dan's memorial including Cindy Meier and her fiance Matt on the way to their wedding in Switzerland, Dave Putnam up from Bula Surf Shop in Aruba, Bil Decker from Philly, Yoni Sandler just back from The Phillippines and DJ Leeds down from Greenpoint Brooklyn (new hipster capital of NYC).
The almost newlyweds
bosom buddies
Last weekend was an amazing, healing series of celebration and remembrance. On Saturday, my room mates held a shower for their soon to be born son Xander. We were lucky enough to have a spectacular day of early Summer weather and fired up a massive tableau of BBQ in the backyard.
Greg manning the double grill set up in the backyard of 92 Clingman
To usher in the newborn, the attendees gathered by the stone firepit and offered advice, love and thoughts to Logan and Ginger. It was great to have friends, family and supporters gathered at the house including Logan's sister with her family and Ginger's father Graham and step mom.
Logan's sister and her family (front) and Ginger's dad and step-mom (back)
Ginger smiling and eight months pregnant with Zander
Mama Sarah Wells sharing her thoughts with the parents to be
We also hosted the early arrivals for Dan's memorial including Cindy Meier and her fiance Matt on the way to their wedding in Switzerland, Dave Putnam up from Bula Surf Shop in Aruba, Bil Decker from Philly, Yoni Sandler just back from The Phillippines and DJ Leeds down from Greenpoint Brooklyn (new hipster capital of NYC).
The almost newlyweds
bosom buddies
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Post from Dayna Lucas, Dan's mom
The outpouring of love and support from so many people that knew Dan really do help us deal with our terrible loss. My profound feelings of guilt and horror are slowly but surely turning to a sadness that will remain but also to acceptance.
I know that Dan did have a full life. He had a fierceness and stubborness and intensity that could be exasperating, but he also had a brightness and sweetness in his approach to life and to relationships that was endearing. He was enthusiastic about so many things and people and he did have a pride in his accomplishments. He loved the outdoors and all kinds of music; he was a wonderful writer and an insightful reader. He was passionate about all kinds of learning. He knew how to be a good friend and a good team player in sports and in academics. He knew how to love and I know that he knew that he was loved.
Dan courageously fought mental illness for much of his life. Although at the end, he was overcome by irrational thoughts and feelings that led to a violent and senseless act, I know that he is now at peace. I know that he mattered not only to us, his family, but also to his and our many friends and acquaintances. Thank you all so much for sharing your memories with us on this blog.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Memorial Details -- May 25 in Asheville
May 5, 2008
I just wanted to give everyone the details on Dan's memorial service on Sunday, May 25th. It will take place from 5pm to 7pm at the Flood Gallery & Art Center at 109 Roberts Street in the River Arts District of Asheville. Billy Roberts and Kate Green will conduct a short ceremony. There will be plenty of food and drink.
Dan spent his last New Year's Eve at the Flood with a small group of friends including Sean Pace/Jinx who did an amazing live performance art piece involving a blowtorch, ten thousand firecrackers, a biscuit and a metal/paper mache bomb sculpture.
If you would like to attend the memorial, or know others who may, please have them rsvp to me if they have not already. I can help arrange transportation and lodging.
I just wanted to give everyone the details on Dan's memorial service on Sunday, May 25th. It will take place from 5pm to 7pm at the Flood Gallery & Art Center at 109 Roberts Street in the River Arts District of Asheville. Billy Roberts and Kate Green will conduct a short ceremony. There will be plenty of food and drink.
Driving Directions:
From Downtown Asheville, go west on Patton Ave.
Turn Left onto Clingman Ave, towards the Riverlink Bridge.
Go one block past the GREY EAGLE.
Turn Right on Roberts Street.
Flood Gallery is located on the second floor of the Phil Mechanic Building, on the corner of Clingman Ave. and Roberts Street.
If you would like to attend the memorial, or know others who may, please have them rsvp to me if they have not already. I can help arrange transportation and lodging.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
More information on Paxil and withdrawal symptoms
Many of you have asked about Dan and the medication he was taking called Paxil to deal with his Depression. Here is an entry in Wikipedia about withdrawal symptoms due to the drug.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paroxetine#Withdrawal_syndrome
We do not know if Dan completely stopped his Paxil intake or just reduced it, but clearly this could have had a major role in his suicide...very sad to me.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paroxetine#Withdrawal_syndrome
We do not know if Dan completely stopped his Paxil intake or just reduced it, but clearly this could have had a major role in his suicide...very sad to me.
Another one of Dan's passions revisited: Yoyoing!
Thursday May 1st, 2008
Got back to Asheville last night. Many thanks to Billy to picking me up in Chapel Hill. The Subaru needs a new engine which will be replaced next week.
In the meantime, Max Jones, one of Dan's room mates at UNC-Asheville and best friends reminded me about Dan's passion for yoyoing. He got quite good and amazed me and my friends countless times showing us the latest intricate tricks.
Max posted the blog below on yoyoing.com that I wanted to share with you:
http://yoyoing.com/news//viewpost.php?post=304796
I lost a good friend last week. I don’t think any of you knew Dan but I’m sure some of you touched his life without knowing it. Dan was a kayaking buddy of mine from college and the only person I ever exposed to yo-yoing that really embraced it and learned how to play. He never went to any events and while he lurked on the forums occasionally, I don’t think he registered for a single one.
Dan was working on his PhD in physical chemistry at UC Berkeley and I hadn’t talked to him since around xmas 2007 when we got to hang out for a few days. The picture below was taken around then at my house in Knoxville, TN (from left to right: Me, Dan, James). Its funny how now I can’t look at that picture without wishing I was embracing my friends more instead of standing off to the side with my hands in my pockets.
Anyway, I don’t want to ramble. I just wanted to let the yo-yoing community know that it lost a member, even if no one knew he was there.
I gave Dan a NM4 that I got from Pyrotechnic a while back and it was his main throw. I wonder if I can get that back to have something to remember him by (not to regain material possessions).
I’m sorry my first post in months is a sad one. For the record, I still read the boards frequently and throw daily, I’ve just got a lot going on with school.
Hope everyone is well. Lots of love to the NC crew. Everyone go hug your friends.
-Max
Got back to Asheville last night. Many thanks to Billy to picking me up in Chapel Hill. The Subaru needs a new engine which will be replaced next week.
In the meantime, Max Jones, one of Dan's room mates at UNC-Asheville and best friends reminded me about Dan's passion for yoyoing. He got quite good and amazed me and my friends countless times showing us the latest intricate tricks.
Max posted the blog below on yoyoing.com that I wanted to share with you:
http://yoyoing.com/news//viewpost.php?post=304796
I lost a good friend last week. I don’t think any of you knew Dan but I’m sure some of you touched his life without knowing it. Dan was a kayaking buddy of mine from college and the only person I ever exposed to yo-yoing that really embraced it and learned how to play. He never went to any events and while he lurked on the forums occasionally, I don’t think he registered for a single one.
Dan was working on his PhD in physical chemistry at UC Berkeley and I hadn’t talked to him since around xmas 2007 when we got to hang out for a few days. The picture below was taken around then at my house in Knoxville, TN (from left to right: Me, Dan, James). Its funny how now I can’t look at that picture without wishing I was embracing my friends more instead of standing off to the side with my hands in my pockets.
Anyway, I don’t want to ramble. I just wanted to let the yo-yoing community know that it lost a member, even if no one knew he was there.
I gave Dan a NM4 that I got from Pyrotechnic a while back and it was his main throw. I wonder if I can get that back to have something to remember him by (not to regain material possessions).
I’m sorry my first post in months is a sad one. For the record, I still read the boards frequently and throw daily, I’ve just got a lot going on with school.
Hope everyone is well. Lots of love to the NC crew. Everyone go hug your friends.
-Max
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Song Contributed from Chuck Treece and Rob Paine
Two of my musician friends in Philly offered this song they just wrote:
Chuck Treece & El Feco -- "At Your Service"
Chuck Treece & El Feco -- "At Your Service"
I never expected it to (sort of) end this way...
April 29, 2008
The past twelve days have been beyond belief. My parents and I arrived back in Chapel Hill just after 1am this morning.
Dan's Subaru either needs new head gaskets (which means rebuilding the existing engine) or an entirely new engine. We await word from Independence, Missouri...
Overall, our journey back east has been emotional, healing and surreal. Now I'm in a sort of shock that everything has changed in my family, yet the world looks eerily the same as it did just two weeks ago, before Dan died.
The past twelve days have been beyond belief. My parents and I arrived back in Chapel Hill just after 1am this morning.
Dan's Subaru either needs new head gaskets (which means rebuilding the existing engine) or an entirely new engine. We await word from Independence, Missouri...
Overall, our journey back east has been emotional, healing and surreal. Now I'm in a sort of shock that everything has changed in my family, yet the world looks eerily the same as it did just two weeks ago, before Dan died.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Broke Down in Kansas City -- An American Saga
April 27, 2008
A bit of a whirlwind today...
[An aside]: Actually we passed through another windstorm yesterday as we crossed the wastelands of Eastern Colorado.
Thousands of scrub brush flew by in the windstorm
The wind was so wild I thought we'd fly off the road. At a gas station, we came across the Center for Severe Weather Research mobile command vehicles in the parking lot of a Holiday inn:
Built tough
Cool logo
Surreal moment
So today...leaving Kansas City a few hours late as Dayna was feeling ill, Dan's car broke down. Facing the prospect of being stranded for an indefinite period instead of visited our loved ones in Carbondale, IL (James Wood, one of Dan's college roomates) and in Indianapolis, IN (Donald and Sandy Rothbaum, Dayna's first cousins), I was pretty despondent.
Luckily my mom and dad were really supportive and pretty much laughed it off when we got stuck in the middle of the I-70 off ramp at the exit of the service station we had just sat at for four hours waiting for them to correct an overheating engine. Their initial attempt involving replacing the thermostat and flushing the radiator did not solve the problem. Apparently, the engine head is cracked. It could be up to a week before the car may be repaired.
Now I'm sharing a drink with my parents of diet Coke and Jack Daniels at the seedy Residency Inn & Suites motel off the Noland Avenue exit in Independence, Missouri. We are booked on the 4pm flight tomorrow back to Chapel Hill and just have to figure out how to get to the KC airport from this strange waystation on the American prairie (MANY THANKS OLIVIA!). Billy is going to come meet us tomorrow night and Alison has offered to get the car and drive it back to Asheville. I'll be back to Asheville on Wednesday and Dave (from Aruba and one of Dan and my first friends in Charlotte)and Stacy (my college classmate who lives in NYC) will be visiting on Thursday. It feels like things are going to be alright and I ready to be home after this painful, inevitable journey. Thank you all for your thoughts of consolation and love. It is keeping me going right down.
A bit of a whirlwind today...
[An aside]: Actually we passed through another windstorm yesterday as we crossed the wastelands of Eastern Colorado.
Thousands of scrub brush flew by in the windstorm
The wind was so wild I thought we'd fly off the road. At a gas station, we came across the Center for Severe Weather Research mobile command vehicles in the parking lot of a Holiday inn:
Built tough
Cool logo
Surreal moment
So today...leaving Kansas City a few hours late as Dayna was feeling ill, Dan's car broke down. Facing the prospect of being stranded for an indefinite period instead of visited our loved ones in Carbondale, IL (James Wood, one of Dan's college roomates) and in Indianapolis, IN (Donald and Sandy Rothbaum, Dayna's first cousins), I was pretty despondent.
Luckily my mom and dad were really supportive and pretty much laughed it off when we got stuck in the middle of the I-70 off ramp at the exit of the service station we had just sat at for four hours waiting for them to correct an overheating engine. Their initial attempt involving replacing the thermostat and flushing the radiator did not solve the problem. Apparently, the engine head is cracked. It could be up to a week before the car may be repaired.
Now I'm sharing a drink with my parents of diet Coke and Jack Daniels at the seedy Residency Inn & Suites motel off the Noland Avenue exit in Independence, Missouri. We are booked on the 4pm flight tomorrow back to Chapel Hill and just have to figure out how to get to the KC airport from this strange waystation on the American prairie (MANY THANKS OLIVIA!). Billy is going to come meet us tomorrow night and Alison has offered to get the car and drive it back to Asheville. I'll be back to Asheville on Wednesday and Dave (from Aruba and one of Dan and my first friends in Charlotte)and Stacy (my college classmate who lives in NYC) will be visiting on Thursday. It feels like things are going to be alright and I ready to be home after this painful, inevitable journey. Thank you all for your thoughts of consolation and love. It is keeping me going right down.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Saying Good Bye to a Brother
The first time I heard about Dan Lucas was from his brother, Greg, who was 5 at the time. The Lucas family had just moved in across the street from us in Charlotte. Greg informed me that Dan was being born, as we spoke, upstairs in his house!
I digress. I guess that is the long way of saying that I knew Dan from the day he was born, or thereabouts. Over the course of time, I watched Dan grow up. I changed his diapers, took him to music lessons and helped him learn to swim. To be sure, he could be contrary and stubborn, but his dominant characteristics were his sensitivity and thoughtfulness. As the people reading this already know, he struggled with fitting in from an early age. What I didn't realize until now is that maybe we are all dysfunctional in that we are not aware of others enough and Dan was unusual because he had that greater amount of awareness of others that we lack. Dan was the Stranger in a Strange Land and eventually his strangeness killed him.
How does one say good bye to a fallen brother? Like Greg, there were a thousand things that I never got to tell Dan, but they are minimal compared to the times when we did talk; on the phone, in the car and on the river. So I will say good bye to those thousand things never said, but I will keep the multitude that were spoken. I will be sad that I won't talk to him again, or have him show me the latest trick on the water, but I will be happy, too, because the Stranger has gone home and I was fortunate that I was here to participate in his visit, however short.
I digress. I guess that is the long way of saying that I knew Dan from the day he was born, or thereabouts. Over the course of time, I watched Dan grow up. I changed his diapers, took him to music lessons and helped him learn to swim. To be sure, he could be contrary and stubborn, but his dominant characteristics were his sensitivity and thoughtfulness. As the people reading this already know, he struggled with fitting in from an early age. What I didn't realize until now is that maybe we are all dysfunctional in that we are not aware of others enough and Dan was unusual because he had that greater amount of awareness of others that we lack. Dan was the Stranger in a Strange Land and eventually his strangeness killed him.
How does one say good bye to a fallen brother? Like Greg, there were a thousand things that I never got to tell Dan, but they are minimal compared to the times when we did talk; on the phone, in the car and on the river. So I will say good bye to those thousand things never said, but I will keep the multitude that were spoken. I will be sad that I won't talk to him again, or have him show me the latest trick on the water, but I will be happy, too, because the Stranger has gone home and I was fortunate that I was here to participate in his visit, however short.
Dan Lucas Memorial Fund
I am also writing now to let folks reading this know about a new project the Lucas Family is starting as a way to honor the life of Dan Lucas. The Dan Lucas Memorial Fund will finance a yearly concert in Asheville. The initial focus will be jazz, one of Dan's great passions as a musician and areas of massive knowledge as a student. The first concert will be held next February around Dan's birthday.
Greg remarked to me that the suicide seemed so secondary to Dan's life that he wanted to create something that was about celebrating life in general, and things in Dan's life in particular that were a source of positivity and community, as well as deep artistic expression and inquiry.
Greg, Dana, Peter, and a few other board members will administer the endowment and select performers for the series
Given the large community we all call family, in Ashevegas and way way beyond, all over the country, through the desert, and all over this planet(!), I think one of the hopes is that as a seasonal event...and likely after-party...concerts in the series can also be a way for those of us proximal or mobile enough to Asheville to get up-get up And get down.
I know the Lucas family is starting the fund themselves. I've contributed. If anyone else wants to make a gift, you can mail a check (they make fun of themselves for not having an on-line button...oh well) to:
The Community Foundation of Western North Carolina
Attn: Dan Lucas Memorial Fund
P.O. Box 1888
Asheville, NC 28802
I lastly want to say that there are lots of ways to rock some solidarity for the Lucas family. In the end, and I think from talking with Greg about it a lot recently, its really more about just reaching out to connect with each other. See y'all soon.
Billy
Greg remarked to me that the suicide seemed so secondary to Dan's life that he wanted to create something that was about celebrating life in general, and things in Dan's life in particular that were a source of positivity and community, as well as deep artistic expression and inquiry.
Greg, Dana, Peter, and a few other board members will administer the endowment and select performers for the series
Given the large community we all call family, in Ashevegas and way way beyond, all over the country, through the desert, and all over this planet(!), I think one of the hopes is that as a seasonal event...and likely after-party...concerts in the series can also be a way for those of us proximal or mobile enough to Asheville to get up-get up And get down.
I know the Lucas family is starting the fund themselves. I've contributed. If anyone else wants to make a gift, you can mail a check (they make fun of themselves for not having an on-line button...oh well) to:
The Community Foundation of Western North Carolina
Attn: Dan Lucas Memorial Fund
P.O. Box 1888
Asheville, NC 28802
I lastly want to say that there are lots of ways to rock some solidarity for the Lucas family. In the end, and I think from talking with Greg about it a lot recently, its really more about just reaching out to connect with each other. See y'all soon.
Billy
Stone to Wind, Wind to Stone
Billy here writing this post.
I've been a friend of the Lucas' since i met Greg in the seventh grade. I've known Dan through a lot of different phases of his life. Its incredible to me, as in difficult to believe, that he is gone.
I'm very sad, a bit lost in the labrynth of existential esoteria, and feeling kind of spun out from the last several hectic weeks, culminating in Dan's death...even despite the overflow of positive things in my life right now.
It is such a sudden wrenching-open for the channels of grief that run through our souls that it takes time, who knows how long, for our spirits to adjust to their new dilation of sorrow across the bandwidth of the heart.... Its almost ten days ago that i found out Dan had killed himself - its crazy, but looking back over these days, with my mind semi-paralyzed in frenetic thought-motion, i can see how the thoughts drift forward in time at the same speed as the surrounding current...unable to change trajectory, spinning in lazy circles...i am called in my mind to afternoons floating with Dan and Greg down through the gorge of the French Broad river near our spot in Asheville...absorbing something powerful together in the feeling of the water and sun - life can seem so endless...foolish, i know.
Miss you Dan.
Big love to Greg and Dana and Peter on your journey across the plains....
pheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew -- big exhale.
Alright...i am pretty much done with a brief period of intense tear shedding just now. I'm going to switch my mind and switch gears, and consequently, switch posts.
Greg - really looking forward to seeing you when you get back. I definitely can say that the community here is rallying in their hearts for you and your family, Dan especially. SO many people ask me to convey their empathetic feelings of kinship to you. And i know also that when you all get back home, a new part of the journey begins, much of that infused with love, appreciation, and solidarity from folks back here in the garden of your everyday.
peace everyone.
"Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs."
--Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through It
Friday, April 25, 2008
Time Wasted on Time
Friday April 25, 2008
I am so overwhelmed in sadness. It's a rabbit hole of useless pain to imagine all the calls I could have made, trips we could have gone on, the words of appreciation, respect and admiration I never shared. I loved my brother Dan so much. And I miss him terribly.
Together at the Golden Gate Bridge, April 6th 2008
Is it the altitude here in Crested Butte? Sheer exhaustion from the emotional pressure cooker of a hatchback on the 3000 miles home? The growing understanding of how love for each other is the only purpose worth pursuing from this point on? {I'm nervous this post may be getting too personal, too strange....?}
We had a great day, distracted from the memories and circumstances to find ourselves in such an amazing place.
Lucille's cabin on Cement Creek, Gunnison County Colorado
This afternoon looking back at Crested Butte mountain
Aunt Lucille (Peter's sister) is such a positive force in my life.
Lucille with some of her own art at her print gallery on Elk Street in Crested Butte
Dan visited her last August here in Crested Butte for a week. He was a man of the mountains, whitewater, snowy slopes. He was a Man of so much: great achievements supported by great humility and great kindness. So talented and also cursed. He was driven because of a void, conceptual in one sense but primarily biochemical in another.
Peter and Lucille have been getting along very well. It hasn't always been that way. My Father is the city mouse and my Aunt the country mouse in many ways. To see them bonding, appreciating each other, forgiving and moving on from a dysfunctional past is healing wounds in me that are so deep.
The Lucas' discussing their common profession of Print Art in Lucille's gallery this afternoon
Peter and Lucille on a hike past Peanut Lake in the shadow of Crested Butte mountain
I'm retreating into the music playing through my computer. It's my friend John Shannon's album "American Mystic". He aims to create Sound Healing music and right now it is doing just that for me.
Among the Sea, Among the Stars
JOHN SHANNON
Wrap me in the light, the sound of the Sun.
Fall calling tonight, I go till I'm gone.
I know things aren't the same, they said its the End but its not.
Tonight a light like the dawn reaching and calling You on;
You see, You breathe like the ghost, the ghost that I'm following there.
We dream among the sea, among the stars.
Time wasted on time.
The light goes around.
Strange days that occur, the shifting in the ground.
I know things aren't the same, they said its the End but its not.
Tonight a light like the dawn reaching and calling you on;
You see, You breathe like the ghost, the ghost that I'm following there.
We dream among the sea, among the stars.
Whew, I feel better now! Thank you for allowing me this audience, anonymous yet full of so much love projected out towards me and my parents. I love you all.
I am so overwhelmed in sadness. It's a rabbit hole of useless pain to imagine all the calls I could have made, trips we could have gone on, the words of appreciation, respect and admiration I never shared. I loved my brother Dan so much. And I miss him terribly.
Together at the Golden Gate Bridge, April 6th 2008
Is it the altitude here in Crested Butte? Sheer exhaustion from the emotional pressure cooker of a hatchback on the 3000 miles home? The growing understanding of how love for each other is the only purpose worth pursuing from this point on? {I'm nervous this post may be getting too personal, too strange....?}
We had a great day, distracted from the memories and circumstances to find ourselves in such an amazing place.
Lucille's cabin on Cement Creek, Gunnison County Colorado
This afternoon looking back at Crested Butte mountain
Aunt Lucille (Peter's sister) is such a positive force in my life.
Lucille with some of her own art at her print gallery on Elk Street in Crested Butte
Dan visited her last August here in Crested Butte for a week. He was a man of the mountains, whitewater, snowy slopes. He was a Man of so much: great achievements supported by great humility and great kindness. So talented and also cursed. He was driven because of a void, conceptual in one sense but primarily biochemical in another.
Peter and Lucille have been getting along very well. It hasn't always been that way. My Father is the city mouse and my Aunt the country mouse in many ways. To see them bonding, appreciating each other, forgiving and moving on from a dysfunctional past is healing wounds in me that are so deep.
The Lucas' discussing their common profession of Print Art in Lucille's gallery this afternoon
Peter and Lucille on a hike past Peanut Lake in the shadow of Crested Butte mountain
I'm retreating into the music playing through my computer. It's my friend John Shannon's album "American Mystic". He aims to create Sound Healing music and right now it is doing just that for me.
Among the Sea, Among the Stars
JOHN SHANNON
Wrap me in the light, the sound of the Sun.
Fall calling tonight, I go till I'm gone.
I know things aren't the same, they said its the End but its not.
Tonight a light like the dawn reaching and calling You on;
You see, You breathe like the ghost, the ghost that I'm following there.
We dream among the sea, among the stars.
Time wasted on time.
The light goes around.
Strange days that occur, the shifting in the ground.
I know things aren't the same, they said its the End but its not.
Tonight a light like the dawn reaching and calling you on;
You see, You breathe like the ghost, the ghost that I'm following there.
We dream among the sea, among the stars.
Whew, I feel better now! Thank you for allowing me this audience, anonymous yet full of so much love projected out towards me and my parents. I love you all.
The Fortune Says: "Travelling to the south will bring you unexpected happiness"
Thursday, April 24 2008
In Reno, our fortune cookie assured us the trip south would do us well. That was hard to imagine getting in the car amid an ice storm at 9am this morning in Salt Lake City. For the first three hours of our drive down US-6, an amazing route through Wasatch ranges into the Capital Reef canyons, my dad and I argued, cried, blamed and eventually grew. I had to lighten up a little bit in the bathroom of a rural gas station which had these pictures on the wall.
There is no sense in Dan's Depression. He fought the disease for his whole life. It's impossible for me (and my parents) not to feel guilt for our unawareness or at least our temporary lack of vigilance to ensure Dan was supported. Once the tension subsided we turned on the radio and found a scratchy NPR affiliate out of Price Utah. The Talk of the Nation was on and this story ran:
Dan battled his mental illness through a variety of therapies: pharmaceutical, experiential, talk-based. Anything that would keep him out of the darkness that only he knew. For the last several years, he successfully treated it with the medication Paxil. However, he would occasionally try to reduce his dosage or take a break from it altogether. We believe that at the time of his suicide he was taking a small dose or possibly none at all.
His psychiatrist in Berkeley told us Dan did not ask for a new prescription and there were left-over pills in his apartment indicating he had chosen to not take the drug. The doctor also said that Dan seemed fine in their last session, which took place on Friday April 11th, less than a week before he died. We were all riveted by the radio show and suggest anyone who questions the efficacy or potential side effects of anti-depressants to battle Depression listen to the piece. One sobering statistic is that between 2% and 12% of Americans suffering from Depression kill themselves.
The afternoon was much better and the landscape served as inspiration to let go a little bit of our loss. The final stretch into Crested Butte was incredibly beautiful and I was so happy to be bringing my parents to Aunt Lucille's home, which they had never visited.
Blue Mesa Lake on Route 50 between Montrose and Gunnison, Colorado
In Reno, our fortune cookie assured us the trip south would do us well. That was hard to imagine getting in the car amid an ice storm at 9am this morning in Salt Lake City. For the first three hours of our drive down US-6, an amazing route through Wasatch ranges into the Capital Reef canyons, my dad and I argued, cried, blamed and eventually grew. I had to lighten up a little bit in the bathroom of a rural gas station which had these pictures on the wall.
There is no sense in Dan's Depression. He fought the disease for his whole life. It's impossible for me (and my parents) not to feel guilt for our unawareness or at least our temporary lack of vigilance to ensure Dan was supported. Once the tension subsided we turned on the radio and found a scratchy NPR affiliate out of Price Utah. The Talk of the Nation was on and this story ran:
Growing Up on Antidepressants
Listen Now [30 min 18 sec]
His psychiatrist in Berkeley told us Dan did not ask for a new prescription and there were left-over pills in his apartment indicating he had chosen to not take the drug. The doctor also said that Dan seemed fine in their last session, which took place on Friday April 11th, less than a week before he died. We were all riveted by the radio show and suggest anyone who questions the efficacy or potential side effects of anti-depressants to battle Depression listen to the piece. One sobering statistic is that between 2% and 12% of Americans suffering from Depression kill themselves.
The afternoon was much better and the landscape served as inspiration to let go a little bit of our loss. The final stretch into Crested Butte was incredibly beautiful and I was so happy to be bringing my parents to Aunt Lucille's home, which they had never visited.
Blue Mesa Lake on Route 50 between Montrose and Gunnison, Colorado
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Kayaking Video of Dan
Here's a short video edited by Max Jones, one of Dan's best friends in Asheville. Dan loved to kayak along with Sean, James K, James Wood, Tyler, Svend, Billy, Jeff, Mitchell, myself and many others. It is interesting that he never mentioned his kayaking to his Chemistry peers at Berkeley. He was tenacious, fearless and got so much enjoyment out of the sport. I hope he knew that I was always so proud of his whitewater exploits...
Dust
Thursday April 24, 2008
We crossed the expanse of dust and rock between the Sierra and Wabash ranges that makes up most of Nevada and Utah yesterday. The day started in Reno at Peg's Glorified Ham and Eggs, my favorite pre-Burning Man Breakfast spot.
Peg's Huevos & Chef George's Eggs Benedict
When we reached Pyramid Lake on the Paiute Indian Reservation north of Reno, the air was clear and the lake was so blue. White Pelicans circled in the air.
Interesting history...
Incredibly blue water...
But on the Playa of the Black Rock Desert, where Burning Man is held each year, a dust storm occluded all vision and the wind roared as I've never experienced it before. As soon as my mom stepped out of the car, her hat was carried away by the gale. I chased after it for a quarter mile before the alkaline dust seared my lungs. Another casualty. In the desolation, I thought of Dan and the fact that his body was cremated around that time on Wednesday.
Fighting the storm...
Family on the Playa...
We made good time to Salt Lake City. After ten hours in the car I had to get away so I walked around the Temple Square and downtown area of this strange city.
Mormon statue of Mother and Son...
We crossed the expanse of dust and rock between the Sierra and Wabash ranges that makes up most of Nevada and Utah yesterday. The day started in Reno at Peg's Glorified Ham and Eggs, my favorite pre-Burning Man Breakfast spot.
Peg's Huevos & Chef George's Eggs Benedict
When we reached Pyramid Lake on the Paiute Indian Reservation north of Reno, the air was clear and the lake was so blue. White Pelicans circled in the air.
Interesting history...
Incredibly blue water...
But on the Playa of the Black Rock Desert, where Burning Man is held each year, a dust storm occluded all vision and the wind roared as I've never experienced it before. As soon as my mom stepped out of the car, her hat was carried away by the gale. I chased after it for a quarter mile before the alkaline dust seared my lungs. Another casualty. In the desolation, I thought of Dan and the fact that his body was cremated around that time on Wednesday.
Fighting the storm...
Family on the Playa...
We made good time to Salt Lake City. After ten hours in the car I had to get away so I walked around the Temple Square and downtown area of this strange city.
Mormon statue of Mother and Son...
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Xenon and Reno
Wednesday April 23, 2008
As an unscientific layman, I cannot explain what Dan was actually doing with all the lasers and computers down in the D-Level (aka Dungeon) of the Chemistry building. Dan's fellow students at Berkeley passed on this link to their research: http://www.cchem.berkeley.edu/cbhgrp/.
We pulled into Reno around 9pm last night. At dusk we hit a snowstorm around the Donner Pass in the Sierras. Everyone was a little apprehensive as the roads were icy and semi trucks spewed slush across our windshield. I felt better driving and in some semblance of control, briefly. We listened to Wilco's "Yankee Foxtrot Hotel" and Miles Davis' "Sketches of Spain" from Dan's CD collection.
The Harris research group, Dan is first from the left on the back row.
As an unscientific layman, I cannot explain what Dan was actually doing with all the lasers and computers down in the D-Level (aka Dungeon) of the Chemistry building. Dan's fellow students at Berkeley passed on this link to their research: http://www.cchem.berkeley.edu/cbhgrp/.
We pulled into Reno around 9pm last night. At dusk we hit a snowstorm around the Donner Pass in the Sierras. Everyone was a little apprehensive as the roads were icy and semi trucks spewed slush across our windshield. I felt better driving and in some semblance of control, briefly. We listened to Wilco's "Yankee Foxtrot Hotel" and Miles Davis' "Sketches of Spain" from Dan's CD collection.
The Harris research group, Dan is first from the left on the back row.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Looking Forward
Tuesday April 22, 2008
We are leaving California in a few more hours. The journey home to North Carolina seems daunting and the grief continues to come in waves. My mom was particularly sad today. We've been keeping busy though and celebrating my Aunt Chris' birthday here in her house in Tracy, about 30 miles East of Berkeley. Tonight we'll be staying in Reno, NV and hopefully have time to make it out to the Black Rock Desert, where Burning Man takes place each year. For me, the last eight years have revolved around the event, which Dan was thinking about coming to in 2008. I think my parents need to at least see the location of Burning Man to understand me a little better . We are committing ourselves to better understanding as a family...
View Larger Map
Our route across country
We are leaving California in a few more hours. The journey home to North Carolina seems daunting and the grief continues to come in waves. My mom was particularly sad today. We've been keeping busy though and celebrating my Aunt Chris' birthday here in her house in Tracy, about 30 miles East of Berkeley. Tonight we'll be staying in Reno, NV and hopefully have time to make it out to the Black Rock Desert, where Burning Man takes place each year. For me, the last eight years have revolved around the event, which Dan was thinking about coming to in 2008. I think my parents need to at least see the location of Burning Man to understand me a little better . We are committing ourselves to better understanding as a family...
View Larger Map
Our route across country
Monday, April 21, 2008
The Journey Home
Monday April 21, 2008
Just a quick update that tomorrow my parents and I will take a week to travel back home to North Carolina. We are all a little apprehensive (about being in a car together for that long -- we've never done a cross country road trip together) and a lot sad (about losing Dan). The past five days since finding out about Dan's death have been surreal, horrible and retrospectively the first steps towards eventual healing. I'll recount some of these experiences day-by-day when I have some time later. In the meantime, know that all of your expressions of concern, love and appreciation of Dan and our family are what keeps us going in this dark moment.
Dan demonstrating sine wave modulations in his Berkeley apartment using string and a small jig saw (see Yoni's comment to the first blog entry below), Thanksgiving 2007.
Just a quick update that tomorrow my parents and I will take a week to travel back home to North Carolina. We are all a little apprehensive (about being in a car together for that long -- we've never done a cross country road trip together) and a lot sad (about losing Dan). The past five days since finding out about Dan's death have been surreal, horrible and retrospectively the first steps towards eventual healing. I'll recount some of these experiences day-by-day when I have some time later. In the meantime, know that all of your expressions of concern, love and appreciation of Dan and our family are what keeps us going in this dark moment.
Dan demonstrating sine wave modulations in his Berkeley apartment using string and a small jig saw (see Yoni's comment to the first blog entry below), Thanksgiving 2007.
Post from Peter Lucas, Dan's Dad
Sunday April 20, 2008
To heal our wounds we will drive our fallen son's car home. He died fighting to grow up. He thought his high status as a star scientist-to-be had brought him to adulthood. All his colleagues said he was fantastic, an intellectual dynamo. When he saw he couldn't stay up there he wrote that he might go back to "the love and safety mommy and daddy could give" him. He was man enough to reject this option but too sick psychologically to go on living as a failure and a child in his own, but not any one else's, eyes.
Professor Harris and many of Dan's friends, lab mates and teachers gathered to share their memories of Dan on Sunday April 20, Berkeley campus
To heal our wounds we will drive our fallen son's car home. He died fighting to grow up. He thought his high status as a star scientist-to-be had brought him to adulthood. All his colleagues said he was fantastic, an intellectual dynamo. When he saw he couldn't stay up there he wrote that he might go back to "the love and safety mommy and daddy could give" him. He was man enough to reject this option but too sick psychologically to go on living as a failure and a child in his own, but not any one else's, eyes.
Professor Harris and many of Dan's friends, lab mates and teachers gathered to share their memories of Dan on Sunday April 20, Berkeley campus
Article in Daily Californian on Dan
The Berkeley student paper published this article on Dan last Friday:
http://www.dailycal.org/article/101357
A first-year College of Chemistry graduate student was found dead in his apartment Wednesday after an apparent suicide.
Friends described Daniel Lucas, 27, as "a driven scientist" who took a strong interest in his lab group project.
Three students who worked with Lucas reported him missing Wednesday afternoon. They grew worried after Lucas missed all of his classes and meetings earlier in the week and did not respond to phone calls, said Berkeley police Sgt. Mary Kusmiss.
According to his friends, it was unusual for Lucas to miss classes. Friends told police they had last seen Lucas in the early morning hours of Sunday.
"The friends shared that they weren't aware that he was suffering from any depression or outwardly shared any despondency," Kusmiss said.
A UCPD officer investigating the missing persons report climbed through an open window into Lucas' apartment on the 1700 block of Walnut Street.
After searching the apartment, the officer found Lucas, who appeared to have hanged himself.
Co-workers said Lucas was quiet, but was beginning to come out of his shell.
"He was a really friendly guy, really easygoing and easy to get along with," said Matt Zoerb, a friend and co-worker.
Police also found some writing in the apartment, although officials would not release the details of the contents.
Lucas earned a bachelor of science degree in chemistry from the University of North Carolina at Asheville.
Interested in physical chemistry, Lucas had spent the last few months using lasers to understand the steps of a chemical reaction.
"We were all impressed by him but I don't know if he ever appreciated that," said James Cahoon, a friend and co-worker.
http://www.dailycal.org/article/101357
Chemistry Student Found Dead in Apparent Suicide
Contributing Writer
Friday, April 18, 2008
A first-year College of Chemistry graduate student was found dead in his apartment Wednesday after an apparent suicide.
Friends described Daniel Lucas, 27, as "a driven scientist" who took a strong interest in his lab group project.
Three students who worked with Lucas reported him missing Wednesday afternoon. They grew worried after Lucas missed all of his classes and meetings earlier in the week and did not respond to phone calls, said Berkeley police Sgt. Mary Kusmiss.
According to his friends, it was unusual for Lucas to miss classes. Friends told police they had last seen Lucas in the early morning hours of Sunday.
"The friends shared that they weren't aware that he was suffering from any depression or outwardly shared any despondency," Kusmiss said.
A UCPD officer investigating the missing persons report climbed through an open window into Lucas' apartment on the 1700 block of Walnut Street.
After searching the apartment, the officer found Lucas, who appeared to have hanged himself.
Co-workers said Lucas was quiet, but was beginning to come out of his shell.
"He was a really friendly guy, really easygoing and easy to get along with," said Matt Zoerb, a friend and co-worker.
Police also found some writing in the apartment, although officials would not release the details of the contents.
Lucas earned a bachelor of science degree in chemistry from the University of North Carolina at Asheville.
Interested in physical chemistry, Lucas had spent the last few months using lasers to understand the steps of a chemical reaction.
"We were all impressed by him but I don't know if he ever appreciated that," said James Cahoon, a friend and co-worker.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Dan Lucas was here
Sunday April 20, 2008
To all our friends, family and loved ones --
My brother Dan passed away last week after battling Depression for the bulk of his adult life. It came as a total shock to myself and parents. We found out last Wednesday from the local deputy sheriff in Berkeley, California. Dan was a first year Chemistry PhD student at Cal. Arriving last May, Dan was very happy and excited to become a scientist of the highest caliber. He worked so hard for his last three years of undergraduate studies at University of North Carolina - Asheville.
I am very sad to have had to lose Dan in order to realize how deeply he is loved and how hard he struggled with his mental illness. Over the next week or so, my parents and I will drive back East to North Carolina. I realize we all need to reconnect as a family and process the tragedy. The only way it feels possible to survive right now for me is the support of all of you, who are so giving with your love and attention in this surreal terrible time. Thank you and know that we three love you and feel your presence with us. This is the first blog I've written so not sure where I will end up going in the following days...
Dan with Greg and Aunt Lucille in Berkeley, Thanksgiving 2007
--
To all our friends, family and loved ones --
My brother Dan passed away last week after battling Depression for the bulk of his adult life. It came as a total shock to myself and parents. We found out last Wednesday from the local deputy sheriff in Berkeley, California. Dan was a first year Chemistry PhD student at Cal. Arriving last May, Dan was very happy and excited to become a scientist of the highest caliber. He worked so hard for his last three years of undergraduate studies at University of North Carolina - Asheville.
I am very sad to have had to lose Dan in order to realize how deeply he is loved and how hard he struggled with his mental illness. Over the next week or so, my parents and I will drive back East to North Carolina. I realize we all need to reconnect as a family and process the tragedy. The only way it feels possible to survive right now for me is the support of all of you, who are so giving with your love and attention in this surreal terrible time. Thank you and know that we three love you and feel your presence with us. This is the first blog I've written so not sure where I will end up going in the following days...
Dan with Greg and Aunt Lucille in Berkeley, Thanksgiving 2007--
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